For what it's worth, the full moon's coming up in a few days; whether that actually has any bearing on my mental state I'm not sure, but I think it might, as I mentioned a while ago...and it always does make me feel a little better when I can pin irrational depression on hormones or illness or exhaustion or moon cycles or what have you.
Shut up, self, nobody wants to read about you been unhappy and unpleasant.
I want to read about whatever you want to write about. I haven't been doing so hot with the commenting lately, but I've been worried that you haven't been posting, and I was wondering how things were going in Banuiland. And...oh, blast it all, there are all kinds of things I've been meaning to say ever since you posted those entries about you being a failure (which you're not) a while ago and I promised to comment in more depth later and didn't, and now I can't think of half of them. So...more later when I've collected more brain cells? >_<
Seriously though, mellen...whatever you can do to prod your parents to getting you to a counselor would really help. It would be hard and uncomfortable, both talking to them about it (such that they understand it's important and don't just forget about it; it took months between the first time I brought it up and my first appointment) and actually going to the counselor, but it would be so worth it. In some ways it's really freeing--it's hard talking about all that deep dark stuff, but on the other hand it's a stranger who has not only heard it all before but also doesn't know you and will not judge you for any of it. Sometimes just having somebody who's familiar with the ways people's brains can sabotage them can just get your thinking onto the right track by asking the right questions.
Part of it, too, even when it's chemical or hormonal or whatever, is learning to change your thought patterns--that isn't everything by any means, and sometimes it's impossible, but it does help stop the spiral. The last thing my counselor said to me on my very first appointment was "Be kind to yourself." Which was hard for me to do then, because I didn't believe I deserved to be kind to myself, and I had a hard time changing my thought patterns until antidepressants helped me out--but it did help some, just learning to refuse to go down certain paths. When I made a mistake and started thinking You idiot, you suck! I had to stop myself and say No, you do not suck, and you are not going to think that. You aren't a failure. You aren't going there. I could still be upset, but not dwelling on it and castigating myself in words did help. So that's one thing you might be able to do when your mind starts to go bad places.
And really...if it turns out antidepressants could help and you get some and they do...you won't believe the difference. It happens slowly, but at some point you'll be able to look back and understand that you were even worse than you ever thought, now that you can finally get away from the lying monster in your head and get some clarity on the whole thing. Going through the difficult process of getting there is unbelievably worth it.
So apparently I did remember what I wanted to say after all. ;p Shall I ramble about school- and job-related things next time?
Also "Time Crash" equals so much win I think if it had gone on any longer the universe would have imploded from the sheer awesome, and yes I think about Firefly slang/dialect too! Because I heart it and I want to borrow parts of it for my Thieves' Honor dialect even though it's not going to be that heavy (and I am wondering now, after years of calling it Thieves' Honor, if it shouldn't be Thief's Honor after all. Is it "scout's honor" or "scouts' honor"? ...Yes, that's where I got the phrase from originally, gah).
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For what it's worth, the full moon's coming up in a few days; whether that actually has any bearing on my mental state I'm not sure, but I think it might, as I mentioned a while ago...and it always does make me feel a little better when I can pin irrational depression on hormones or illness or exhaustion or moon cycles or what have you.
Shut up, self, nobody wants to read about you been unhappy and unpleasant.
I want to read about whatever you want to write about. I haven't been doing so hot with the commenting lately, but I've been worried that you haven't been posting, and I was wondering how things were going in Banuiland. And...oh, blast it all, there are all kinds of things I've been meaning to say ever since you posted those entries about you being a failure (which you're not) a while ago and I promised to comment in more depth later and didn't, and now I can't think of half of them. So...more later when I've collected more brain cells? >_<
Seriously though, mellen...whatever you can do to prod your parents to getting you to a counselor would really help. It would be hard and uncomfortable, both talking to them about it (such that they understand it's important and don't just forget about it; it took months between the first time I brought it up and my first appointment) and actually going to the counselor, but it would be so worth it. In some ways it's really freeing--it's hard talking about all that deep dark stuff, but on the other hand it's a stranger who has not only heard it all before but also doesn't know you and will not judge you for any of it. Sometimes just having somebody who's familiar with the ways people's brains can sabotage them can just get your thinking onto the right track by asking the right questions.
Part of it, too, even when it's chemical or hormonal or whatever, is learning to change your thought patterns--that isn't everything by any means, and sometimes it's impossible, but it does help stop the spiral. The last thing my counselor said to me on my very first appointment was "Be kind to yourself." Which was hard for me to do then, because I didn't believe I deserved to be kind to myself, and I had a hard time changing my thought patterns until antidepressants helped me out--but it did help some, just learning to refuse to go down certain paths. When I made a mistake and started thinking You idiot, you suck! I had to stop myself and say No, you do not suck, and you are not going to think that. You aren't a failure. You aren't going there. I could still be upset, but not dwelling on it and castigating myself in words did help. So that's one thing you might be able to do when your mind starts to go bad places.
And really...if it turns out antidepressants could help and you get some and they do...you won't believe the difference. It happens slowly, but at some point you'll be able to look back and understand that you were even worse than you ever thought, now that you can finally get away from the lying monster in your head and get some clarity on the whole thing. Going through the difficult process of getting there is unbelievably worth it.
So apparently I did remember what I wanted to say after all. ;p Shall I ramble about school- and job-related things next time?
Also "Time Crash" equals so much win I think if it had gone on any longer the universe would have imploded from the sheer awesome, and yes I think about Firefly slang/dialect too! Because I heart it and I want to borrow parts of it for my Thieves' Honor dialect even though it's not going to be that heavy (and I am wondering now, after years of calling it Thieves' Honor, if it shouldn't be Thief's Honor after all. Is it "scout's honor" or "scouts' honor"? ...Yes, that's where I got the phrase from originally, gah).