have some insanity! half-off!

[ontology]

i.  Last night, lady_moriel inadvertently forced me to recall in vivid detail the worst novel I have ever read. She doesn't know it, because the really long comment I wrote got eaten by Vox (and what I was replying to didn't have anything to do with really bad novels), but, oy, I am dying to recap what I remember about the book, because it was so bad that it was really brilliant. I hunted it up on Amazon somehow, despite having forgotten the title and only remembering the female protagonist's truly terrible name (Volanna. VOLANNA. I kept imagining her with whiskers.), and it is all flooding back to me in great, nauseating waves. I really am going to have to recap it. I almost want to read it again, so that I can piece together what I remember about The Mysterious Child From Nowhere (Except Totally Not) and "some stars and planety stuff crashed! Let's betroth our infant children right now!" and The Really Buxom Girl From The Bakery(?) And Her Scheming Mother, and the Really Hawt Blacksmith-Except-Not Protagonist, whose physical fantasticness had to be mentioned at least five times per chapter, and the Awkward Prophecy, and The Evil Bloke Volanna Is Supposed to Marry (look, rule of thumb, do not promise your children to people with names like Lomar. It is just a bad idea.) and, oh blimey, the heavy-handed morality lessons and jarring references to the Old Testament (in a fantasy novel, and it wasn't historical fantasy, either). I also found out that there are sequels, which a very sick and disturbed part of me also wants to read, and egad I need therapy now. 

ii. builtofsorrow (in particular) will be interested to know that Simon Winchester, author of the fantastically titled The Professor and the Madman: A Tale of Murder, Insanity, and the Making of the Oxford English Dictionary (!!!!), has written another book about our beloved OED, by the name of The Meaning of Everything: The Story of the Oxford English Dictionary. (I couldn't help but think forty-two! it's forty-two! over and over again, because...well, because.) I checked it out from the library this afternoon and can hardly wait to read it. 

iii. Speaking of the library, I went with Dad, and nothing was resolved except that I returned the book that has been missing for two months and was just found the other day, and I have more fines than the National Debt, and the librarians definitely recognise me as The Girl Who Never Gets Her Books In On Time--which isn't true; I only didn't get them in time three times, and one of those times was because I was running a fever, and the other time was because it snowed all sudden-like and I couldn't bicycle in the snow, and the other time was last summer after all that rubbish happened and no-one took me and then we went on holiday for a week and a half. (Okay, so they were all pretty spectacular in their lateness and very memorable, but what about all of the other times that I did get them in on time?) So, I basically feel like a horrible, horrible library patron now, and lack of library and not being able to get things on loan really makes my life feel as though it's going withered and dry, but at least Dad checked out a few books for me, so I've got something to read. Still, the librarians don't trust me, and that hurts, hang it all.

But then Dad said in the car on the way home (because I was sort of walking through the library with my shoulders hunched feeling like the scum of the earth and about as appreciated as Pluto) that hey, quite a lot of other teenagers are having promiscuous sex and doing drugs, and if my only problem is that I can't return library books on time, then he is mighty proud to have a daughter like that, which made me very warm and fuzzy inside. I found it rather upsetting, though, that the librarian seemed to find my not-returning-books-on-time more disparaging than if I were snogging a stranger against the American Poetry bookshelf. It just occured to me that Elinor from Inkheart would probably think the exact same thing, which is an amusing & cheering thought. 

iv. I totally forgot to add to the Deathly Hallows release date squee, which I am definitely having, but it is a lot more mild than it will get later. I mean, when we start getting spoilers, or a book cover, or maybe when summer is getting nearer, I am going to be a lot more frenetic in my fangirly glee. Right now, it's mainly just 'oh, nifty, now I know where to direct the squee'. (Still, the next time I visit Waldenbooks and there is a preorder sign on the desk, I am going to skip joyously. Again. Er. Did I mention that a while back, before there was a title or a release date, my local Waldenbooks was advertising preordering, and I scurried behind some shelves to skip gleefully, and then skipped, beaming widely, through the mall, cackling to myself?)

I pulled up Amazon to look for something else and impulsively clicked on the Deathly Hallows advertisement (ad-VER-tis-ment). There was a page of forum discussions, one of which was titled 'shipping' and had forty replies. I thought, 'oh no, what are they bickering about now?' and clicked it out of morbid curiosity.

It was about shipping, all right. The sort involving boxes and the kinds of dates made of numbers and UPS. Nary a romantic pairing in sight.

Fandom has ruined my mind.

Comments

[midenianscholar.livejournal.com]

I need to loan you the book I have written by a french 13 year old. Yes. It can't get much worse than that.

Also, I almost always have some sort of library fine. It's impossible when I check out 8+ books at once (which I rarely ever read before I've renewed them three times) and I'm lazy about checking the dates. Luckily I mostly don't see the same librarians. Especially lucky because I often am leaving with a crazy amount of books (so much I can't see) and it is rather amusing, though I'm often the only one chuckling.

[faeriemaiden.livejournal.com]

Oh, lovely. :D Is that the one where it's all a hallucination by some girl dying of cancer in a hospital? I kind of vaguely remember reading a review or something.

Yeah, one of my main problems was that I would check books out and renew some of the books I'd previously checked out, until the dates got really messed up in my head and I forgot some of them. Aaack. Especially because sometimes I would end up having more books checked out than I could carry in my backpack. :p

[midenianscholar.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah! I forgot about the cancer girl whose fate depends on the characters! What I remember most is one girl raising a sword and everyone stopping fighting, "in awe of her beauty". I totally need to give it to you.

[builtofsorrow.livejournal.com]

I HAVE SEEN THAT BOOK. I saw it in that little bookstore in New Mexico, and my heart leapt, only it was too expensive and I didn't even know what it was anyway, but now I must have it! (*has looked it up on Amazon* How darling is that little old man on the cover??)

(And you're right, of course: it is forty-two.)

[faeriemaiden.livejournal.com]

I KNOW HE IS THE MOST ADORABLE LITTLE OLD MAN WITH BOOKS EVER. Why don't men grow beards like that anymore (unless they are crazy or in a cult)?

[un-titled-love.livejournal.com]

ii. I really must read The Professor and the Madman. Nelle loved it, and I've really grown to adore having the OED here in our flat. Maybe I can get to it after March sometime? Hopefully?

iv. I think fandom has ruined my mind as well. As soon as you mentioned 'shipping' with Harry Potter, I thought of the same thing, and at first was like, "What does UPS have to do with Harry Potter ships?" And then I got it. And then I think I died a bit inside.

[safebox.livejournal.com]

Oh, the OED. I love them, hard. Ever watch Balderdash and Piffle, where the BBC tries to outfox the OED experts with citations of words? Brilliant stuff.

See, I used to have an arrangement with my librarian (school rather than my town one, admittedly) whereby she didn't really mind how late my books where, because she knew perfectly well I was the only person likely to be checking out biographies of every long-dead rationalist philosopher I could get my hands on, so that was fine. But now, there are two new librarians, one of whom is equally understanding and the other who treats me like a five year old if my books are one day overdue. Argh! It is crazy, and makes me want to do stupid things like pull a 'don't you know who I am??' stunt.

Ahem, anyway. Late library books really are the smallest of sins.

Fandom has ruined my mind.

Yup, pretty much. My problem is often the abbreviations - I see AU, OC etc around and get unduly excited. That's very funny about the UPS though, hee!

[trolliepop.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey! Having a Librarian for a mother and having done a lot of volunteer work in libraries has taught me that no ill-will is felt towards people who turn their book in late. If anything, they're loved, because they have to pay the late-fees, which means the Library is actually getting money for once (stupid government and their unwillingness to fund libraries!).

The only thing that makes Librarians angry is when you have a bad attitude about paying your fine and absolutely refuse to and then storm out of the library and slam the door so hard in breaks. That happened to my mom once. The guy was a Youth Ministry major, too. With that on his record, it will probably be pretty hard for him to get a good job.

Your shipping story made me laugh. Out loud. And I'm currently in the library. That's okay, though, because my mom is currently the one running the reference desk, and she laughs out loud a lot, too. And she plays rock music in her office...with the door open. I do love her!

[wanderlight.livejournal.com]

i. ... VOLANNA? That is all I have to say about that.

ii. I read "Simon Winchester" as "Sam Winchester" and I went, "what? she's watching Supernatural now, too?" and then my brain kicked in and I was disappointed. Not that anything relating to dictionaries could ever be disappointing. :)

iii. Every three weeks or so, I rack up so many fines on my card that the library freezes my card and won't let me do anything until I pay up the money. This is not even an exaggeration; it's a good thing I live in a big city, or I'd be afraid to walk the streets. So, take comfort in the fact that I win the Worst Library Patron award; you cannot be worse than me, dear. ♥

and if my only problem is that I can't return library books on time, then he is mighty proud to have a daughter like that, which made me very warm and fuzzy inside

:DD Your dad has it all figured out. Hee, Inkheart! OHGOD, the scene in that where they burned the books? I nearly sobbed. It was terrible and heart-rending.

Hee. SHIPPING. My day has been made.

Fandom Ruins Minds. This should be the slogan of a "save the children" advertisement campaign somewhere.