between the motion and the act falls the shadow

[ontology]

I was going to write about how (as is generally the case) I'm a bit embarrassed about being emotional, and I'm inexpressibly grateful for all of you, and then I was going to throw in something witty and exciting, but I feel wretched and am not very up to dashing turns of phrase. I've been under the weather most of the week, and it's decided to be tricksy and fool me into thinking I'm all right, so I eat a proper sandwich instead of toast or move about a bit too vigorously, and whoosh! -- here comes the nausea. Great fun, as you can see. It's pounding behind my eyes, too, now. I don't seem to get sick very often, but when I do it just clings. It's never very dramatic, just irritating and uncomfortable and lingering.

Firefly, by the way, is extraordinarily fun to write in. I'm, um. Still writing Christmas presents for my local friends (er, maybe they're very early Valentine's Day presents now?), and most of them are in the Firefly-verse, and -- it's delicious, really. I get a little drunk on words. I love the dialect; it reminds me a bit of the Elizabethan era, when everybody seemed to be so dizzy with wordplay. (Perhaps if I ended up seeing it first-hand I'd be disappointed. Perhaps they just had a disproportionate record of really excellent writings survive, I don't know. Shakespeare's coinages are enough for ten or fifteen writers, to be sure.)

take_a_sadsong commented on my entry of 31 December with, "I've decided that for me 2008 will be the year of doing, and not just dreaming of doing." Which I think is a brilliant sentiment and exactly what I didn't know I was looking for. It's how I spent most of my time, you know: dreaming of doing. Occasionally I have really extraordinary adventures, but mostly they happen because I have people to drag me along on them. I'm not forthright. I'm not in control of my own destiny. I'm like a character in a bad novel -- I don't act: I'm acted upon. And I remember how good and right I felt after my impulsive trip to Oliver!. I wanted something -- and I got it, because I tried hard and did things that don't come naturally to me. This should be a pattern, rather than an exception. I'm writing this here because I need someone to keep me in mind of it. I mostly forget to make resolutions for the new year (other than the age-old: stop biting my fingernails, and lose weight; for the first time in possibly fifteen years I seem to be making some headway on the former, so that's a bit encouraging even if it is something silly), but that's what I want to resolve. And I want to be better person, because I'm not much of one, really, but doesn't everyone? I just -- feel so tired all the time. And there are so many things I want to do -- learn to sew, write and write and write, work on projects -- and I know in ten years I'll be disgusted with myself because I never did them, and I won't have the time later. But it's so hard to -- do things. Ugh. I don't know. Rubbish to whinge about your own resolutions, isn't it? Bad form.

I think Moony and I are going to go off to watch Firefly together. Because nothing cheers one so much as vests with buckles on the back. (Well. Okay. There are other incentives, too.)

Comments

[wanderlight.livejournal.com]

*nods* *and nods again*

I have been thinking, a lot, about the ideas contained in your third paragraph, because they're on my mind, too. And I think you're absolutely right. Wanting new things -- going out and getting them -- is an excellent exercise. And a tiring one. I often get the feeling that I'm sitting at the bottom of this huge pit I've dug myself into, and the "doing things" involves exhaustive climbing out -- but I keep sliding down again, having to climb, and sometimes it's just ... BUT. Enough of that. I think the only thing we can do is just keep trying to do new, terrifying things, no matter how difficult it seems. Surrounding myself with people who have a lot of energy tends to help, I find, as does noting all of the positive things that come of Doing New Things and thinking of them when I have no energy.

/shuts up, because she sounds like some sort of terrible advice column

YOU, dear, are the protagonist of a novel that's going to become just brilliant. It's just one of those novels where it starts up slow, gives you lots of pages to fall totally in love with the wonderful main character before she goes off on wild escapades and triumphs. :D ♥

[faeriemaiden.livejournal.com]

Exactly. Only I feel more as if someone dug the pit for me and I happened to wander in while it was being dug and maybe pitched a few shovels-full of dirt over the edge. The climbing out is no less difficult, though. And I'd best stop before this extended metaphor drifts into the area of the really bizarre...

Perhaps we ought to begin a support group. (For doing things, not extended metaphor therapy.)

♥ ♥ ♥!!

[airys1.livejournal.com]

Ahh, the Firefly 'verse has a most unique cultural/language setup. I love it, it's what makes it so charming. And interesting.

And as for the things you want to do, start small, with one thing, then do another...that's the only way to go :)
That's one thing I do know!

[mermaidrain.livejournal.com]

"I've decided that for me 2008 will be the year of doing, and not just dreaming of doing."

That is a million shades of brilliant. I want to do that too. Great way of putting it.

[take-a-sadsong.livejournal.com]

You know, I feel awfully wise now. ^_^

And you actually put in a paragraph something I could only put in a sentence. What you said, "And there are so many things I want to do -- learn to sew, write and write and write, work on projects -- and I know in ten years I'll be disgusted with myself because I never did them, and I won't have the time later." Unfortunately, that is what I've been thinking lately. And yet, I'm not sure if that's unfortunate. At least I'm waking up and realizing I need to do and not just dream. Dreaming is great, but what really matters is putting into action those dreams that we have dreamt, especially the ones that God has given us to better the world.

But I think the biggest block between us and living our dreams is that we worry about what we think about our endeavors, and many of God's blessings for us are spoiled because we are afraid to fail. But it we just followed the voice of God, and lived fearlessly, we would suceed at more things than we could ever imagine.

:) and that's all the wisdom I can spare. I'm going to go do now, if it means straining every fiber and killing every bit of cynical matter that flows through my blood. :)

[trolliepop.livejournal.com]

I've been wanting to learn how to sew for forever, mainly so I can make myself all sorts of fantastic skirts. I think the main reason I'm not so eager to learn new things, though, is because I'm scared of failure. I dream of all these wonderful things I'll be able to make, but I'm terrified that if I actually try it will turn out that I'm no good at it and all my dreams will fall apart.

[timetakestime.livejournal.com]

in my bathroom there's a red piece of paper & it's all scrawled over with sharpie... it says "i want to live deep & suck out all the marrow of life" (thoreau) & "God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant..." (romans 8, the message).

it makes my mornings a little bit better.