my heart is a glorious machine;

I feel as though I ought to tell you, my dear f-list, about My Life Thus Far, as in the last several days I seem to have told everyone else (well, mostly my psychologist and my physician, but it feels as though I keep telling this story over and over). What it amounts to is that I am doing better. Really I cannot quite manage to wrap my fingers convincingly around how much better I am doing. Things come up -- you've read about several of them -- tangley, complicated things, horrible terrifying growing-up things, but those are the creases, those are the hollows, the valleys, the gopher holes -- life, lately, has been strangely good.

Or rather, not a lot of the situations have changed -- although I am not in the Hell Kiosk any longer, and spring is here, bringing warm weather and sunlight with it, and that does help considerably. No, it's my head that's changing: in that it actually seems to be working half properly, for the first time in years, maybe. Mostly people don't give me hives, I don't toss and turn in bed because I can't stop brooding enough to go to sleep, I can enjoy enjoyable things, and I don't feel so tired. I even sleep better, and less -- my body still wants to sleep more than I think I need to, but it's not constantly demanding twelve to fourteen hours the way it was before. I feel as though I'm getting along better with my family and managing to do my chores a lot more easily (which helps with the getting along bit). There's still a bit of... emotional clouding; I still have to work a little harder to feel than I did when I was young(er), but it's less hard now. Sometimes I don't even have to try. Sometimes just the moon in the trees or the first glimpse of spring leaves is enough.

I'm honestly certain that it's the Zoloft, at this point: the therapy sessions and things have helped a lot, but the Zoloft has been connecting all of the loose wires in my head. I know the Zoloft is what's working best because I went off it twice for about two or three days when I wasn't paying proper attention and my prescription ran out, and while I was waiting to get it filled, I crashed hard. I attributed it to outside factors -- because there were outside factors! and anyway half of them were the same sorts of things that have been plaguing me for years -- but it happened both times and calmed down as soon as I was on the medication again.

I am beginning to feel as though I've been wandering in black and white and suddenly I can see colours again.