ohh, i cried

[ontology]

So, yeah, this is me, back from holiday. REALLY EXCELLENT HOLIDAY. Will discuss this later, but there are much more pressing matters at hand.

First, the non-spoilery bits: so, I'm really really glad that the night of the twenty first turned out to be the best night of the festival and possibly one of the best nights of my life -- guys, Nickel Creek is brilliant in concert; I have been to maybe two or three concerts that approached how good that was, and they played nearly every song I wanted to hear, and, yeah, more on that later (PICTURES TOO!), and I met Chris Thile very briefly and he signed my CD, and then I wandered back to the tent singing 'Demon Lover' and 'Blue Caravan' (neither of which were Nickel Creek songs, but, you know), and the sky. I have never seen so many stars. I lay on my back in the wet grass for an hour or two, gazing at it -- this deserves its own post, really. It was a high point of my life.

So, yeah, Dad and I got home around nine last night, and I, after unpacking, wandered around the house in a fairly desperate state of mind, pretty much incapable of doing or thinking anything until I had my Potter. It was in this state (combined with one of the worst headaches I've had in a while) that I went to sleep. I woke up very suddenly at about eight thirty in the morning -- I was dreaming about something completely benign, and suddenly my brain screamed "TODAY'S THE DAY! YOU CAN HAS DEATHLY HALLOWS NOW!" and I bolted up. Really. I am not making any of this up. I woke up all sudden-like, and I may have sat up -- it was one of those "she bolted up" things I thought only happened in books. Then I spent the next several hours finishing a re-read of Order of the Phoenix, straightening my bedroom, not eating breakfast, dressing appropriately, and trying to work up the courage to actually get onto my bicycle and get my book. (My brother's bicycle, actually, as the seat snapped clean off of mine and no-one has taken it to be fixed yet. The seat on my brother's bicycle went all wonky, too, and won't stop flipping up and down, making riding painful, not to mention mostly impossible. Fortunately I fixed this with a huge amount of shiny blue duct tape.) Waldenbooks opens at ten -- I was actually so terrified that I didn't leave until nearly eleven. Seriously, I was practically shaking at one point.

I really want to tell you lot this inspiring story about how I walked -- ten miles -- barefoot -- in a hail-storm -- while being chased by the police for a crime I hadn't committed -- and collapsed breathless on the Waldenbooks counter (while the clerk took one look at me and said nonchalantly, "Oh, it's another one of those Potter fans -- where did I put those smelling salts?"). Alas, my tale is not so fascinating. I bicycled madly, arrived, parked my bicycle at the mall entrance, and went furtively looking for Waldenbooks. (Except for the bits on the way where I talked to myself a lot and considered cowering under a tree, whimpering, instead of buying the book. I was that terrified.) I was horribly and irrationally afraid that they would have no copies left in stock, somehow, but there was a whole great display of them, and I stared at them for at least three minutes before I worked up the courage to actually pick one up. Then I skulked around the shop for another eight minutes and re-read the end of Half-Blood Prince before I actually approached the counter. Told the lady clerk I was terribly sad about missing the midnight party, which apparently was really nifty, and I paid for my book, and also got a free poster, which is kind of awesome. On my way home I stopped at Wal-Mart and bought obligatory chocolate, because I hadn't had time to bake anything.

Then I rushed home, ran upstairs, spent an irrational amount of time re-organising my bedspread and the things on my windowsill, finally managed to open the book, and read it straight through in three hours, with brief pauses to use the bathroom, fix lunch, flail, and angst.

HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!

I mean to do a proper post later -- I need to re-read it, anyway; by the end I was reading so fast, and my mind was so blurred by grief, that I'm sure I was missing a lot of things: it was sort of like rummaging through the laundry to find that one pair of trousers that you really really need, sending everything in your way flying haphazardly behind you. But I have to say that my overall reaction is this huge, confused mass of devastating grief and sheer blinding squee. Very confusing, really.

I loved the book, actually. I thought it was fantastic, and it expanded the universe so much -- both in terms of things we learnt about characters (REGULUS! DUMBLEDORE! SNAPE! GORBLIMEY THE FICS SWIMMING BEFORE MY EYES!) and the further exploration of the Wizarding world outside of Hogwarts, and -- you know, how stuff works, and...things. If it weren't for one bit, this would be a huge flailing post of awesome and yay.

Except that the one bit sort of tore my heart out, set it on fire, and then stomped on it. In cleats.

SERIOUSLY, HOW CAN YOU KILL REMUS AND TONKS. OFF-SCREEN. PURPOSELESSLY. I AM STILL REELING.

Really, guys, I'm devastated.

And I was squeeing about them so much throughout the earlier parts of the book; I was so happy with the way they were being written and everything (sure, Remus was being a git with a martyr complex, but fanfic's been there, done that), and then -- they just died. OFF-SCREEN. I refused to believe it at first, when I read the COMPLETELY RANDOM bit about how their bodies were lying...somewhere...like, maybe they're injured, or we're just supposed to think they're dead, or, I DON'T KNOW, SOMETHING. THE END OF THE BOOK WILL FIX THIS. And then it...didn't. And I am devastated and need someone to hold me because WHAT PLEASE NOT REMUS AND NOT TONKS AND ESPECIALLY NOT REMUS. OF ALL PEOPLE WHO DESERVE TO LIVE!

Seriously, it's like all of my fandoms have conspired to rip out my heart lately. I need a happy fandom, please. Unfortunately the chances of this happening -- ever -- are not very high. Pretty nearly every fandom I can think of involves major character deaths and general woe. The most cheerful fandom I can think off, off-hand, is Emily of New Moon, which isn't precisely all sunshine -- I MEAN, DEAN -- and also the fandom contingent of the readership consists solely of wanderlight and myself. Even The Lord of the Rings is awfully bittersweet in the end -- BUT AT LEAST MY OTP LIVED A LONG FULL AND HAPPY LIFE. D: DO I JUST KILL SHIPS? IS THAT IT? BECAUSE THIS IS THE SECOND SHIP OF MINE RIPPED ASUNDER MY DEATH IN THE PAST TWO MONTHS. KYRA PLEASE TELL ME THAT NOTHING BAD HAS HAPPENED TO TRAP AND CARISSA OR I MAY BECOME HORRIBLY DESPERATE.

Reading the f-list has been very helpful, though -- funny, most of us seem to be reacting similarly, in that the book was made of win, except for Remus being dead. Which, really, MAY NOT HAVE ACTUALLY HAPPENED. I mean, WE NEVER ACTUALLY SAW IT HAPPEN. Bodies CAN BE FAKED. My theory is that Remus and Tonks saved either the world or someone specific and important in a way that could only be done by messing with space and time -- which means, of course, that the Doctor was involved, and possibly Martha, and also possibly Sirius and Sarah-Jane -- but the cost of this was leaving their old lives behind and having to pretend they were dead, and...stuff. (It made sense in my head!) I don't know, they did something funny to their own time-lines and could no longer exist in their own times. So they travel time and space now, drinking tea and quoting Eliot, and Tonks and Martha and Sarah-Jane wear awesome clothes (and sometimes Sally Sparrow comes along to wear awesome clothes and drink tea and quote Eliot, too). ALSO THEY SECRETLY VISIT TEDDY, LIKE, A LOT. IN DISGUISE. OR SOMETHING. UNTIL HE BECOMES MUCH OLDER AND THEY FINALLY TELL HIM, "HI, WE'RE YOUR DEAD PARENTS WHO AREN'T REALLY DEAD, BUT WE COULDN'T TELL YOU BEFORE BECAUSE TWO OR THREE UNIVERSES MIGHT HAVE EXPLODED." YES.

Oh dear, my way of coping with character death is apparently always to make up some Doctor Who-connected conspiracy. (Charlie? Is in Rose's universe. And he will come back. Other!Torchwood is involved.) I'm not sure what this signifies.

I am going to eat a ridiculous amount of chocolate tonight. And snuggle my Moony plushy until my arms hurt. And oh, egad, the fact that I am wearing a pink blouse that looks very Wizarding is just kind of devastating right now.

Like I said, proper post about more of the things I liked and didn't like later, but I have very very very late dinner to find.

Comments

[faeriemaiden.livejournal.com]

What Anthony said. :D It started in the sixties and ran all the way through the late eighties before finally being cancelled, and then the BBC revived it in 2004. I mean, since the Doctor can regenerate and everything, it could conceivably go on forever. Pretty much the only show ever that can maintain a fanbase while changing the entire cast every several years. :D